Desciframos el Código Da Vinci
5, 22 de 2006-07-22 de 2006
Hay ocasiones en la vida en la que te gustaría dar un riñón y parte del otro (los dos, si me apuran) por estar en un lugar diferente, o mejor aún, tener un botoncito teletransportador a lo Star Trek para aparecer en la galaxia más lejana posible.
Unas de esas ocasiones ha tenido lugar recientemente cuando dos incautos y valerosos integrantes de FC osaron ponerse delante de una pantalla de cine a ver (redoble de tambores, gente temblando, el miedo se vislumbra en la cara de los lectores)... El Código Da Vinci.
Y dirán ustedes, ¿a éstas alturas otra crítica del código Da Vinci? ¿Qué esperaban de nosotros?¿Acaso se creen que somos inmunes al placer de poder criticar una bazofia como ésta? Nosotros también queremos nuestra parte del pastel.
El comienzo ya auguraba una tarde de aburrimiento supino, las primeras imágenes de ésta película de misterio descafeinada (el gran prix de Ramón García entre Albares y Totalán es más intrigante) ya tenían los ingredientes necesarios para que, hasta Morfeo se quedase dormido tres días seguidos. La primera escena lo dice todo, el pseudoalbino bañado con titanlux blanco dispara a un viejo ambulante en el louvre, quien con sus últimos suspiros (muchos después de recibir un disparo así) le da tiempo a pintarrajear medio museo y escribir en clave las obras completas de Dostoievsky, y sin el material necesario para hacerlo, ¡¡eso es arte!!
Las apariciones en escena de Tom Hanks y Audrey Tautou son igualmente ridículas, un policía del Opus Dei (Jean Renó) decide meter en la investigación a un historiador experto en simbología religiosa (Hanks) que “curiosamente” estaba dando una conferencia allí, y como al del Opus Dei le cae mal, pues es el malo y a la hoguera. Pero la aparición de Sophie (Audrey Tautou) es peor aún, se presenta en la escena por la cara, porque se supone que el muerto es su abuelo, pero reacciona como si hubiese visto una piedra.
He ahí los personajes, entes totalmente planos y aburridos, que pululan como fantasmas a lo largo de toda la película, da igual que estén o no. Hemos oído por ahí que Tom Hanks y Audrey Tautou no se habían metido en el papel... ¿pero qué papel? ¡¡Si es que no se puede hacer nada más!! Pero si el personaje de Robert Langdon lo podría haber interpretado Chiquito de la Calzada sin que se notase la diferencia, (bueno sí, al menos nos habríamos reído) y ni que decir tiene que el personaje de Tautou podría haber sido interpretado por Yola Berrocal.
Los mismos protagonistas corren despavoridos para no tener que tragarse la mierda infumable que Ron Howard ha creado.
En cuánto al guión, basado, como no, en el best seller del juntapalabras de Dan Brown, se podría decir que, partiendo de la nada, ha alcanzado las más altas cotas de la miseria (Groucho dixit) al igualar en mediocridad al tocho infumable del engañabobos, que además, es experto plagiador. A lo largo de la película, se pueden apreciar más agujeros en el argumento que fallos en windows, y la historia es más predecible que el capítulo final de Pasión de Gavilanes.
Así pues, la película transcurre entre bostezos, fases rem, sueños lúcidos, ensoñaciones... etc, el espectador consigue salir del coma clorofórmico cuando comienza el desenlace final de la historia (los más afortunados, despertaron al encender las luces de la sala de cine) en el que la tonta de Sophie, descubre lo que todos los demás sabían desde la mitad, que es la descendiente de Cristo (oohhhhhhhhh, ¡¡qué casualidaaaaaaaaad!!), nietísima de la Maria Magdalena, que no es otra que el Santo Grial. Además de los errores históricos y la nefasta trama de ciencia ficción (porque no, señores, la historia de Brown NO es una novela histórica), el director (Ron Howard) pone su duna entera de arena en éste despropósito con escenas que pasarán a la historia del cine como ejemplos de cómo no debe hacerse una película, la fotografía es patética, desaprovecha totalmente la oportunidad que ofrece la ciudad de Paris como escenario, y esas pretenciosas escenas de fundidos históricos en el que se ve la prominente panza de María Magdalena, imagen considerada por algunos como trasgresora y que nosotros tachamos de mierda infinita (un disco de Parchís es más trasgresor)
La cara de la Gioconda después de ver la película.
En definitiva, todo en este largometraje (y nunca mejor dicho lo de laaaaargo) es basura, pero no es más que el resultado de creer que la historia plagiada de Dan Brown es el nuevo evangelio, los millones y la publicidad hacen milagros, aunque en este caso concreto, más que un milagro, es un timo.
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